Two phone calls on Valentine’s Day

“Look, I know it’s you.  I know it’s you who has been sending me all these things.  Don’t bother trying to deny it.  It’s got to stop.  All the flowers, the boxes of chocolates, the junk jewellery.  I don’t want aeroplanes writing my name in the sky.  I don’t want serenading.  I don’t want any of this.  I just want to be able to go about my life without fear of a gypsy violinist jumping out from behind a hedge and playing soppy music at me.  It’s embarrassing.  I don’t want you calling me at work.  Or at home.  I don’t want any of this.  I don’t want you.  That’s the bottom line.  I.  Don’t.  Want.  You.  Why can’t you get that through your thick head?  Are you listening to me?  I know you’re there; I can hear you breathing.  I can see your curtains twitching.  That’s another thing: always watching me from across the road.  Bet you’ve got binoculars trained on my house at all times.  Bloody pervert.  And don’t bother with the old ‘I’ll kill myself’ routine.  You can’t blackmail me into feeling something for you.  And if you really loved me – like you keep saying you do – you’ll respect my wishes and bloody well leave me alone.  I can’t take it anymore.  It’s too stressful.  I’m sick of this. You’re making me ill.  Am I getting through to you?  I better be – or – or – Hold on – something’s wrong – Can’t…breathe.   My chest!  My arm!  Can’t…  Get help!  Please!  Send an ambulance; you know where I live…Ah!  Please!  Help me!”

“Hello, Ambulance, please.  There’s a young woman having a cardiac arrest.  And over the road, her neighbour is committing suicide.  If you get there in time, you can help her.  And you’ll find my organ donor card in my top pocket.  I know we’re compatible – I know everything about her – promise me you’ll give her my heart.”




1 Comment

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One response to “Two phone calls on Valentine’s Day

  1. Spanish Jackie

    Excellent! I always get two very special phone calls on Valentines Day. One asks me if I have claimed PPI and the other asks if I’ve been in an accident that wasn’t my fault – so romantic

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