Master Bakers

And we’re back, coming to you live from the Master Baker tent. Tension is mounting as we reach the final round and one of our finalists appears to be coming apart at the seams. What’s up there, Tamora? Can’t get your icing to pipe?

No! It’s not that; it’s my boys, my lovely boys.

Oh, yes! We met them last week. Pair of fitties, right, viewers? Not here, are they? Aw, that’s a shame. But if you look down that lens there and give them a little wave. Hello, Tamora’s boys? Miss woo, wuv woo.

Oh, get out of it, you silly bint. My boys aren’t here because they’re missing. Please! Anyone out there. If you’ve seen them, please get in touch. Phone the studio. Use the fucking app.

I must apologise for that little eff-wordette that just slipped out of Tamora’s cakehole there. We’re so sorry.

Please! I just need to know they’re OK.

So, what you’re saying, Tamora lovely, is you haven’t even made a start on your lovely cake.


OK… Well, there’s still a few minutes. Pull yourself together. Moving on, let’s stop by the counter of our other finalist. Mmm, something smells great. What have you got in your oven for us this week, Titus?

Well, Linda, I’ve gone all out and done the double.

You haven’t!

I have. Want to try?

Oh, I shouldn’t. But I will. Oh, oh, Titus, that is gorgeous. That pastry, so succulent. What’s your secret?


What? I hope you’re not being suggestive, young man; that’s my job! And this gravy and these lovely meaty chunks. Folks, I think we might just have found our winner.

You’re too kind.

Honestly, I’m not kidding. I know I say it every week but really, someone should invent smell-o-vision. You lot at home are missing out. Oh, yum! This pork.

It’s not pork.

What? So scrumptious! Everyone’s got to try a bit of this. Tamora, come over here. Stop being such a sore loser and get some of Titus’s pork inside you! Oops, I mean that exactly as it sounds.

Yes, come on. It will make you feel better.

Isn’t that just the best bit of pork you’ve ever had in your mouth? And I bet you’ve had a few in your day, eh, Tam? Am I right? Is this meat locally sourced, Titus?

You could say that, yes.

Ooh, he’s being all enigmatical, isn’t he, Tammy?

Just eat it! Tamora! Eat the pie.

All right, calm down, Titus. You’ve already won, babe. Let’s just leave Tamora there, having a bit of a sulk. So, tell me, these pigs must have been brought up well to taste so scrummy. Where did you get them?

From a local sow, not a million miles from here.

Ooh, lovely. Did you meet them? Did you meet the little piggies? What were their names?

Demetrius and Chiron.

Funny names for pigs! Did you hear that, Tamora? The pigs had the same names as your sons. Oh, Christ, she’s really kicking off now. Calm down, pet. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Well, that’s all for this year, viewers. We’ll be back in six months – if Tamora leaves us a scrap of tent left. What is she like, eh? So it’s goodbye from me, goodbye from Tamora – honestly, someone should call security – and it’s goodbye from this year’s winner, Titus Andronicus!




Filed under Short story

2 responses to “Master Bakers

  1. Spanish Jackie

    Mary Berry could learn a lot from this

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