I was going to go and dig the garden today but the rain has put paid to that. Typical! Talk about your British summer! And it’s my only day off for a fortnight. What’s the betting it will be raining again when I next get a chance?
It needs doing. It’s a mess out there. I’ve tried to pass it off as a nature reserve but the neighbours aren’t buying it. This is where weeds come to join a thriving community of likeminded individuals.
But they’ve got to go. Googled a recipe for napalm but I’ve come away with nothing. It will have to be hard labour – I doubt the strimmer will withstand such dense undergrowth. I need a what-do-you-call-it, a machete. Hacking my way through like a jungle explorer.
All that clearance needs doing before I can even get to the digging. Time is not on my side. Not only is it pissing down, but it will be light soon. The neighbours will be getting up. I can’t have them throwing open their bedroom curtains and see me toiling away. That’s not on.
I wouldn’t be in this pickle if the freezer hadn’t gone on the blink. I know, I know, it’s my own fault for letting things go on for so long. I should have got this chore out of the way when my neighbours were on holiday – last summer. It was probably raining here then too, but at least I would have had the necessary privacy.
I’ve been paying my rent as usual. Direct debit. It all goes through an agent, acting on behalf of the landlord who went missing over a year ago. The last time we spoke it was about the dodgy wiring in the cellar. I’m worried about my frozen food, I told him, got a good few quids’ worth in there, but he hadn’t given a monkey’s. Not my problem, he said. So I made it his problem.
And now, with the wiring fried, the freezer is kaput and he’s beginning to pong. The neighbours will be complaining about that and all.
But with the landlord buried, I’ll be able to get an electrician in… Then, with the freezer up and running again, let them come! Let them come around with their complaints. I’ll be ready. There’s a freezer for sale in the local paper. Thirty quid. I can stretch to that. I’m sure I can fit two in the cellar.