“Hello; I’d like to make a claim, please. No, no, there’s been no accident. I’m not injured – well, not in the physical sense at least. It’s my heart, you see. And my mind – what do you call it, psychological damage? Anyway, I need to make a claim against this man – yes, I know his name. I can tell you his address, telephone number and even his shoe size if you want. This man has subjected me to emotional torture for years. The very first time I saw him he induced a lightning strike to my chest. If you saw him, you’d see what I mean. Those looks! There ought to be a law against someone walking around looking like that.
“Since that moment he has occupied my every waking thought, and my sleeping ones too – Oh, in my dreams, he is very different: he answers my calls, he takes me out, we share intimate moments…
“But I won’t go into all that now. They’re just dreams; I know that. Let’s focus on the reality. This man, this gorgeous man, has done nothing but spurn me – No! Spurn me. At first he was polite when he turned down my requests for coffee, lunch or dinner, perhaps a film. But he became increasingly more vehement. He has informed the security guards at his place of work, told them not to let me in the building. He’s changed his home phone number and he has blocked me on all the social networks.
“Last weekend, oh last weekend! He did the unthinkable and he hurt me to the very core of my being. He only went and got married to another woman. They’d already been living together – or, as I prefer to call it, shared a house – and I don’t see what she’s got that I don’t. I even cut and dyed my hair to resemble hers and I’ve lost a couple of stones so I can wear the clothes she likes to wear. And what do I get for all this effort? A restraining order to keep me from the church!
“So, I want compensation for all the mental anguish this man has caused me and for all the time I’ve put in trying to make him happy. How much do you think I’ll get?”