Next: a book with bite!

I’m currently preparing the manuscript of my next novel for submission to my publisher. Feedback from my readers is good – the book is a little different from the others.

It’s set at the end of the 19th century. Hack writer Hector Mortlake is travelling across Europe in the hope of finding inspiration for a new story. He enlists the people he meets to take part in a story-telling competition (much like The Canterbury Tales) and so the narrative is broken up with the short stories as the characters tell them. I tried to make sure each story is in keeping with the style, period and theme of the main plot. Variations on a theme, you might say.

I’d wanted to write a vampire story – but these have been done to death lately. As a compromise a couple of the short stories have vampire themes: my homage to Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which came out around the time my book is set.

As a child I loved to stay up late to watch late-night horror films on BBC2. Hammer Horrors like The Reptile reptile_poster_01

and The Blood Beast Terror

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have influenced this book, and then recently I watched Ken Russell’s film adaptation of Stoker’s The Lair of the White Worm (I’d found the book hard-going) and loved it (Check it out: not only is a floppy-haired Hugh Grant in it, but there’s also an early appearance from the Doctor himself, Peter Capaldi).lair_of_white_worm_poster_02 Russell’s film tickled me with its saucy humour. This is right up my alley, I thought. Readers of my books will know I can’t resist innuendo – this book is perhaps the most riddled with them.

It’s called KISS OF THE WATER NYMPH and I’m very pleased with it.

Watch this space for more news.

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JUNGLE OUT THERE is OUT THERE!

williamstafford:

Updated post now that that book has been published!

Originally posted on William Stafford the Novelist (not the Poet):

My latest book has been twenty years in the making and was born of my lifelong obsession with Tarzan and the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs.

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I first became aware of Tarzan in the TV series starring Ron Ely

 ron ely

and the old black and white movies of Johnny Weissmuller

 johnny w

– for many, the quintessential ape man.

There was a series on the Disney Channel in the early 1990s in which Tarzan (WolfLarsonwolf larsonwas depicted as an articulate and, of course, buff champion of the environment. This series first gave me the idea for a TV sitcom in which Tarzan, Jane et al decamp from Africa and move into a suburban semi-detached in my home town of Dudley. I wrote six episodes and submitted them to the BBC. I was invited to a meeting at Broadcasting House where I was told they loved my ‘ear’…

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Meanwhile, up at the castle…

“Come in here a moment, would you?” My father called me into the drawing room. He sounded serious but then he always does. He makes everything sound like one of his scientific lectures, and so I had learned years ago that his tone of voice did not necessarily mean I was in trouble.

He was standing in front of the fireplace. A brandy had been poured but was untouched. He saw me eyeing it. “Perhaps when you are eighteen. Which is why I want to talk to you, my boy.”

Ah, yes. My eighteenth birthday was only days away. I had been asking repeatedly to have a party. My friends from the village would love this place – but none of them have ever seen it. My father has always been unswerving in his insistence that I must never bring anyone back to the castle.

“You’re almost a man now,” he began. “I can hardly believe how the time has flown. But I think – I hope – you are man enough to hear what I am about to tell you. I believe you deserve to know the truth about who you are. About what you are.”

It was a puzzling opener, I had to admit. He gestured to me to be seated.

“My mother?” I prompted. This had to be about my mother – I’d never met her. What could he possibly tell me about my mother that I had not heard before? She had died in a car crash when I was a baby – the same crash that had scarred my entire body for life.

“I’m sorry,” his composure faltered. “But everything I told you when you were a boy is a lie. You have no mother. You never had.”

He wasn’t making sense and I told him so.

“Science can do wonderful things…” he said. There was a pleading look in his eyes, so I encouraged him to continue. He had raised me single-handedly; it’s not unusual for households to have just the one parent. “I have told you you never had a mother. The complete truth is you never had a father either.”

“Then who the hell are you?”

“Please try to remain calm, my boy. Hear me out.”

“You’re telling me I’m adopted!” I leapt to my feet. “Is that what you’re saying? If so, then I must have had a mother and a father somewhere along the line. Who are they? I want to meet them?”

He was shaking his head. He made calm-down gestures, waiting for the storm of my reaction to blow over.

“I’ve told you that you never had a mother or a father. It’s the truth, my boy! And now that you’re an adult, I want to present you to the world. My life’s work, the pinnacle of my achievements. I am so proud of you, my boy.”

“You want to show me off? You’re not making any sense! I’m not the first boy to grow into a man. They’ll have seen it before.”

“Not like you! You’re unique.”

It is my turn for head-shaking.

“Look,” he said and he took a fat notebook from a drawer. It was tightly packed with close handwriting and diagrams and bookmarks. “Please, read this; see for yourself. You are a miracle of science, my boy. You will bring hope to millions! Millions of childless people all over the world.”

My eyes watered. I couldn’t take in the details of the pages I was flicking through.

“I’ll leave you to peruse it. We’ll talk later,” he edged towards the door. “And perhaps, have a drink together. A couple of days early won’t make any difference. What do you say?”

I said nothing. He left me to it.

One of the first pages had a drawing of a baby curled in a womb-like bag suspended between electrodes.

Another showed the baby with dotted lines around the wrists and ankles and neck and – all the places where I bear scars to this day.

“I shall tell him he survived a car crash,” my father’s handwriting spidered across the page. “Until he reaches maturity and then, if he likes, I shall reveal this list of donors.”

There had been a car crash – a multiple pile-up from which no one emerged alive.  Newspaper cuttings revealed the bodies of some children had gone missing…

I felt sick. I pushed the book away. It fell open at the title page – my ‘father’ always liked to put his name on everything.

How To Make A Family – by Doctor V von Frankenstein.castle-md

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The Squatter

I wake with a start. There’s a noise. I freeze. I listen.

There’s somebody in the house!

I look around for something hefty, something I can use for protection. My ears are straining. They’re downstairs. There’s two – no, three of them – and somehow they have let themselves in. I pad to the top of the stairs. Two men and a woman. The woman is explaining something. She sounds like she owns the place – the cheek of it! What’s she going on about? There’s been problems all through the house? Draughts she says. Drops in temperature. Discolouration on the walls.

What the hell is going on? These are the most peculiar housebreakers I have ever come across.

Oh, there have been others, but I can usually scare them off. They come in here, make themselves at home, until I show myself, and out they run. They don’t come back. But these three are different.

I creep down a few steps and listen. They’re in the kitchen now. One of the men is saying things like ‘it’s more common than you think’ and ‘we’ll have it clean in no time’.

Who the hell are they?

I nip down to the foot of the stairs to try to get a glimpse. I’d like to know who I’m dealing with before I confront them. I am already outnumbered but that’s never been a problem. I’ll soon get these three falling over each other to get through the door.

They’re coming out of the kitchen. I press myself against a wall, clinging to the shadows. I don’t want them to see me yet. I need the element of surprise.

The woman is wearing a suit and carrying a clipboard. Her hair is in a bun and she peers over spectacles. The men are dressed in black. They have strips of white around their necks… One carries a big book, the other a silver cross!

No, no! I can’t have these people in my house!

Get out get out get out!

I fling myself at them. The woman shrieks when she sees me. But the men are too quick for me. One brandishes his crucifix while the other utters an incantation in Latin and I can feel myself fading away, and all I can think is this is their house now…

priest-md

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Rule of Thumb

I don’t know how much longer the barricades will hold. It’s quiet out there now; they are roosting but I know the respite will be brief.

Professor Macomber lies dead in the corner. The coward shot himself in the neck rather than face the consequences of the havoc he has unleashed.

I have burned his notebooks. No one must be able to replicate the evil he has perpetrated on this island – no one must ever know!

He lured me here under false pretences. I was his favourite student, he said. He would like my assistance in cataloguing his discoveries on this remote island off the Chilean coast. I can’t offer you much money, he said, but you will get to spend your summer in a tropical paradise.

Like a fool, I believed him. But that’s the thing with people we idolise, isn’t it? We never suspect they might be up to no good.

“Jon – a – than!” The unnatural voice squawks from the veranda. “I know you’re in there.”

It is Flash. The ringleader. Macomber had brought him into the house and trained him, after a fashion, to act as butler. Flash had been privy to many of our late-night, rum-fuelled conversations in which I questioned the morality of the professor’s experiments.

“The thumb is key,” Macomber said, displaying the digit in question as if I had never seen one, let alone possessed two of my own. “It is the thumb that has elevated Man above the other animals. It is the thumb that has enabled him to reshape his environment. In short, it is the thumb that has allowed Man to rule the world. Once a creature has opposable thumbs, cognitive development is not far behind.”

“But these are birds, Professor. They are not meant to have thumbs or large brains.”

“What a parochial attitude!” the professor grumbled, sinking into one of his funks. “I don’t know why I brought you here.”

“Jon – a – than!” Flash squawks at the door. “We don’t want to hurt you, Jonathan.”

A chorus of cries echoes this remark. I can imagine them all, grouped behind the butler: their colourful crests and dazzling plumage. Their beaks. Their sharp and deadly beaks.  Already they have almost torn the shutters from the windows.

“We don’t want to hurt you,” they parrot over and over.

“Help us,” says Flash. “Help us and we will let you go. I know you pity us, Jonathan.”

“You’re unnatural!” I cry out despite myself. Now there is no doubt where I am. “You’re abominations.”

“We are what you made us.”

I can hear him walking along the veranda. His grey clawed feet scratch the planks. With his crest raised, he is over eight feet tall. He is no doubt looking for a weak spot in my defences.

“Never!” I scream. “You can all go to Hell.”

The man-birds screech and flap. It takes Flash, the most advanced in the transformative process, a while to calm them down.

“We will go to the mainland,” he says, not to them but to me. “With your help. We shall spread across the world and make it our own.”

“Never!” I repeat.

“You will help us, Jon – a – than. If you wish to leave this island alive. You will show us. You will return to us what was taken from us.”

I know what he means at once: the power of flight.

I cannot allow this to happen. It would signal the end of mankind.

I kneel at the professor’s body and prise the revolver from his grasp. In doing so, I almost have to break his thumb.

They’re pecking at the windows again, the door and the walls. It won’t be long before they get in.

I hope there is a bullet left for me.

parrot

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Baby Makes Three

“It’s me!  Open up!”

Cassie’s hand hesitated over the lock.  The image on the CCTV monitor was clear but in that protective clothing, the caller could have been anyone.

“Cassie!  I can’t be sure I wasn’t followed.  Let me in.”  The caller waited a few seconds before adding, “Cassie-Wassie-piddly-poo.”

Cassie hit the lock.  No one but Aidan would call her that.  While the locks turned and slid, she pressed the intercom and called him a pig.  “What if the neighbours heard you?  Calling me that!”

He reminded her there were no neighbours.  As far as he could tell, they were alone for a couple of blocks at least.  Alone in the penthouse flat they had commandeered when it had become clear that the outbreak was out of control and that civilisation – and humanity too, most probably – was facing its end game.

And losing it.

While Aidan went through the decontamination ritual, Cassie tried to appease Wendy who was grizzling in that persistent way she always did when she was hungry.  Which was most of the time.  Cassie cooed and tried to distract the child by wiggling her fingers like a puppet.  Wendy looked at this poorly executed entertainment with disdain and resumed her snivelling.

I’m nineteen, thought Cassie.  I shouldn’t be holed up in here with someone else’s baby.  I should be out in the world, off on adventures and making something of myself.

Ah, yes: the world.  As far as she and Aidan knew, that was gone too.

Aidan, looking raw and damp from the cleansing, placed two cartons of baby formula on a chair.  “That’s the last of it.  At least in this district.”

“That won’t last a week,” said Cassie.  She glanced at the boxes with the happy, gurgling infant on the front and wondered where he was now.  “You’ll have to try harder.”

“Damn it, Cassie.  You think I just stroll down to the corner shop.  Geez; if you knew –”

“If I knew what?”

She looked at him properly then, searching his bare chest and arms for abrasions.

“There were a couple of – guys.  No big deal.  I distracted them by chucking half a brick in the opposite direction.”  He chuckled but it was mirthless.  “Those guys sure are dumb.”

“Turn around.”

“There’s not a mark on me.”

“Turn around!”

Grumbling, he obeyed.  “See!  Not a scratch.  You did a good job of patching up the suit.”

Cassie didn’t seem convinced.  Aidan remembered something.  He picked up the trousers of his protective suit and pulled something from the pocket.

“Look; I found this.”

Cassie recoiled from the filthy square of newspaper he unfolded in front of her.  “I can’t believe you brought something so dirty, so… contaminated in here.”

“No, no; it’s okay.”  He pointed at some print that wasn’t smudged or stained.  “This must have been the last edition they put out before… Anyway, it says here that the scientists believe the plague is airborne.  You can only catch it if it gets in your body from a cough or a sneeze.  Once it lands, it dies.  They recommend avoiding contact with strangers – all strangers – and – Well, that’s all I can read.”

“All the more reason for us to stay here.  You said there’s no one else for blocks around.”

“Except those guys…”

She ignored him.  “We’re all right here.  The three of us.  You, me and Wendy makes three.”  She played with the baby’s toes to make her giggle.

“I don’t know, Cass,” Aidan rubbed the back of his neck.  “Perhaps her mother is still out there, looking for her.”

“No!”

“You shouldn’t have just taken her like that, Cass.  It’s kidnapping!”

Cassie gave a hollow laugh.  “So, lock me up.”

“She’ll slow us down.  When she cries, it’s too loud.  Those guys will hear her.  They’ll find us.”

“Wendy’s a good girl; aren’t you, baby?”  Cassie spoke in silly singsong.  Wendy was unimpressed.

“Listen,” Aidan cleared his throat.  “I’ve told you, we can’t stay here.  We should head out to the country.  We can grow our own food.”

“You’re dreaming!”

“You don’t know what it’s like out there.  It’s all gone.”

“You’ll find something.”

“No.  No, Cass; I’m leaving.  Right now.  You can either come with me or stay here and play Happy Families with the baby.”

He stepped into the protective trousers and pulled them up to his waist.

“No!”  Cassie threw herself at him, beating at his chest with her fists.  “You can’t leave us!  You can’t!”

He held her wrists until her anger subsided.

“Come with me, Cassie-Wassie-piddly-poo,” he whispered.  “Baby makes three.”

“Oh, Aidan,” Cassie sobbed, resting her head against his collarbone.

Behind them, in her makeshift cot, Wendy’s button nose wrinkled.

She sneezed.

baby-silhouette-md

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The Anniversary

The innkeeper brought the toddy to the pale, young gentleman at the fireside table.  “Here you go, sir; on the house.  You’ve had quite a shock, I expect.”

            He turned to go back to his station behind the bar but the young gentleman called him back.

            “Please!”  His eyes were wide and, despite his proximity to the fire, his face was white.  “Stay.”  He gestured urgently to a chair.  The innkeeper accepted.  He said he supposed he could spare five minutes afore the suppertime rush; it would be good to take the weight off his feet.

            The young man’s eyes searched the innkeeper’s face as though trying to decipher it.  “Tell me,” he said in desperation, “What happened in my room?”

            The innkeeper breathed out through his nose.  “Well, by all accounts – but I’m not saying I sets any store by it, mind – they reckon that room be haunted.”

            “Oh?  By whom?”

            “I don’t rightly know, sir.  As I say, I don’t go in for all that kind of thing.  Things that go bump in the night, sir.  But they do say as how something terrible took place in that room.  Afore my time, of course.  I’m talking about a hundred year ago or more.”

            “Please!” the young man cried.  “Just tell me!”

            “Well, sir,” the innkeeper glanced around to see if anyone else was listening.  Apart from Old Jacob perched on his usual stool at the bar across the room, the inn was empty.  “Like I say, it was a long time ago…

            “It was their wedding night.  Happy young couple, they was – but then that’s often the way with newlyweds who think they’ve found their happy-ever-after, but of course in time the rot sets in and love’s young dream is burst like a bubble, sir – only in this case, it didn’t get the chance, sir.  These two never lived to be old and miserable and sick of the sight of one another, sir.  Cut off, they was, in their prime.

            “A man got in through the window.  And while the couple was sleeping – exhausted, I should think they was – he cut their throats, jumped out the window and run off.

            “Now, the landlord at the time, he was under strict instructions not to disturb the happy couple and he wouldn’t have gone up there, sir, if it weren’t for something dripping on his head, while he stood behind the bar, sir, right where I stands every night.  Well, he puts his hand to his brow and when he looks at his fingers, they’s covered in blood.  Right above the bar is the bridal suite, you see, so he dashes up the stairs and that’s when he finds them.  Horrible sight it was, sir.  Blood everywhere.  He had to burn everything and get new paint and new furniture and everything.

            “Turns out the murderer was a jealous lover, sir, but not of the bride – oh, no!  Turns out him and the groom were entangled in some kind of tryst and the groom only married the girl for her money.  His lover thought he’d betrayed him and so he done away with the pair of them.

            “All this come out when a body was found in the gameskeeper’s shack in the woods.  You see, when the murderer jumped out the window, he cut his foot and it got infected.  He went to the woods to lie low and it got worse and worse, and as he lay dying he wrote a deathbed confession, see.  Oh, terrible business all round, if you asks me.

            “Now, sir, I see you’ve let your toddy go cold.  Never mind; I’ll get you another.”

            The innkeeper shuffled back to the bar, leaving the young gentleman staring into the flames.

            “Another year already!” said Old Jacob.  “Come round quick, don’t they?”

            “They surely do, Jacob.”  The innkeeper poured the cold toddy away.  “But I don’t mind telling the tale.  If it helps keep the peace in my pub.  They don’t remember, you see; the dead.  And that poor bridegroom don’t seem to understand but I tells the story and he goes away.  He’ll be back, mind, same time next year.”

            He poured himself and Jacob a shot of whisky.  They turned to the fireplace and raised their glasses to toast the empty chair.

 whisky

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The Secret of Florian White

“How the hell did you get in here?” Florian White stood in the doorway of his drawing room.  The middle-aged man at the fireplace ceased his inspection of the ornaments on the mantelpiece.

“Oh, a sneaky fiver to the butler,” he grinned.

“Then Birkworth is dismissed at once,” said White, his jaw clenched tight.  “And now I ask you to leave.”

“It’s good to see you and all, Flo.”

White’s eyebrows leapt.  No one had called him ‘Flo’ for a very long time.

“Albert?” He stepped into the room to get a closer look at his uninvited guest.

“The very same,” Albert made an expansive gesture but White did not reciprocate with as much as a handshake.

“How did you find me?”

But Albert was too preoccupied with looking around.  He whistled, impressed.  “You have done well for yourself, Flo.  All this must have set you back a pretty penny.”

“Talk of money is always so very vulgar, don’t you find?”  White kept nervous eyes on the interloper.  “Is that why you’ve come?  Money?”

He gripped the back of a Louis XIV chair as though he would strangle it.

“Don’t you be vulgar!” Albert chuckled.  “I’ve come a long way.  It would be good of you to put me up for a couple of nights.  Give us chance to catch up and talk about the old days.”

“I have no desire to go raking up the past.”

“No, I bet you don’t!  And I bet you don’t want your fancy London friends knowing you come from circus folk and all.”

White blenched.  He had to clear his throat before he could speak.  “I’ll have Birkworth prepare you a room.”

“Cheers.  Here, you are looking well though, Flo.  You don’t look a day older.”

But Albert’s host had left him alone again.

They dined in silence.  Albert enjoyed seeing White squirm.  Oh, he had questions all right – tons of them! But they could wait.  Albert was keen to enjoy the high life for a few days at least.

He was accommodated in a large and sumptuous room but then all the rooms in this Belgravia mansion were large and sumptuous – apart from, he’d be willing to wager, Birkworth’s lowly quarters.

Despite the comfort and luxury, he found his sleep was disturbed.  At first he thought he was imagining it, in that state between waking and dreaming, but the sound came again: a low moan, like the wind, punctuated by sobs.

The next day however, he forgot all about it.  His host left early on some undisclosed errand, leaving Albert with the run of the house, Birkworth informed him.  He was free to enjoy the library and the garden while he waited for Mr White to return with something Albert would find ‘advantageous to his future’.

But, on no account was he to venture into the cellar; the butler explained the stairs were rotten and dangerous.  Mr White was expecting a tradesman.

Albert toured the house, taking inventory of the oil paintings and the delicate ceramics, rubbing his hands in anticipation of treasure to come his way.

At dinner that evening, White pushed a bulging enveloped across the table.  “Two thousand pounds,” he said flatly.  “By noon tomorrow, you will be gone.”

Despite the itching in his fingertips to riffle through so many banknotes, Albert left the envelope where it was.  “Oh, no, Flo, no; you don’t state the terms of my departure.  We haven’t had our little chat yet.  How is your brother, by the way?  You know, after the operation?”

White looked down at his plate; his meal remained untouched.  “He did not survive.”

“Oh.  Shame.  But look at you now!  You’re flourishing!  You’re thriving!  If he could see you now, eh?  And still in the pink!  Must be good for you, all this wealth.  You haven’t aged a day.”

White rang a little bell to summon Birkworth to clear the table.

“How’d you do it, Flo?  To come from a humble background in a tatty old circus to this?  What’s your secret?”

White cringed.  “What makes you think I have a secret?”

“Then how’d you come by all this lot?”

White strode from the room without another word.

Again, Albert’s sleep was disturbed by the moans and the sobs.  He knew he would be unable to rest until he had investigated the source.  He left his room and padded down the stairs to the ground floor.  His ears were pricked like a hunter’s.  Along a narrow corridor that led past the kitchen, he came to the cellar door.  The sounds were coming from behind it!

He twisted the doorknob and was surprised to find it unlocked.  Unheeding the warning about rotten stairs, he crept down towards a pool of lamplight and the source of the sobs.

He gasped to see Florian White cradling a shrivelled, pitiful creature, rocking it gently in his lap.  The creature’s head was speckled with brown spots and sparse tufts of long white hair.  It was emaciated and skeletal, a thing of bones and papery skin.  It looked to be at least a hundred years old.

The creature’s rheumy eyes opened and it caught sight of Albert at the foot of the stairs.  It hissed like an angry cat.  White smiled sadly at the intruder.

“To answer your question, Albert: my wealth comes from rich gentlemen who take a shine to my youthful looks.  I give them a few years of incalculable pleasure and they leave me everything in their wills.  Since the operation I find myself blessed with eternal youth.  My brother was not so fortunate.”

The fragile creature whimpered.  Albert’s jaw dropped open.  So this was what had become of the other Siamese twin!

“That’s disgusting,” he managed to say before Birkworth behind him slit his throat with a carving knife.

“I have to keep my brother alive, you see, or all the aging he has done on my behalf will come back to me.  I am sure your blood will sustain him as well as any rich gentleman’s.”

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Foggy Jack

The fiend waited in the fog.  The lights of the public house on the corner glowed a dim yellow and the murk muffled the sounds of the last straggling drinkers.  The heels of a woman’s shoes clicked and clattered on the cobblestones.  The wearer was negotiating prices with her client: a tanner in the hand and a bob in the mouth.  The client was silent; the fiend supposed he was a gentleman who did not wish to be heard discussing such ungentlemanly things in the squalid Whitechapel streets.

            The fiend held his breath until the pair had passed to conduct their transaction in some other alley.  Perhaps it would be over quickly and the whore would come back this way on her tod, hoping to pick up one last punter as the pub closed its doors.

            Out of the gloom came another figure, preceded by the odour of cheap lavender water.  The fiend pressed his back against the wall, unheeding the damp.  His heart was pounding like galloping hooves against his ribs.  He held his breath and his fingers tightened their grip on the cutthroat razor beneath his cloak.

            The woman wore a tattered red shawl and her hair was piled high on her head above a pale and painted face.  She tripped and tottered from a little too much gin – good: she’d be dead before she knew what was happening.

            The fiend waited for ten seconds – ten long seconds – as the woman drew closer.  Finer details were visible to him now: the beauty spot on her cheek, the paste earrings, the blue five o’clock shadow –

            What the hell?

            “Put your hands up, dearie!” scoffed a voice behind him he recognised as the first whore’s.  He wheeled around to see her and her gentleman client pointing pistols at his heart.  The whore in the red shawl drew a truncheon.  She peeled off her blonde wig and scratched at her undeniably male haircut.

            “Gor, that don’t half itch.”

“Never mind that, Constable Piggott,” said the gentleman.  “Cuff the bastard and let’s get him down Bow Street nick.”

The fiend let out a roar and, shedding his cloak, slashed at the air with his razor.  “Fools!” he snarled and his eyes flashed red beneath the brim of his top hat.  “Your prisons cannot hold me.”

“They won’t have to,” said the gentleman.  “You’ll be having your neck stretched before you can blink, old son.”

The fiend threw back his head and laughed.  He dissolved into the fog – the laughter was the last to go – leaving the undercover police empty-handed and frustrated.

Foggy Jack was free to strike again.

razor

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Mr Weston’s Experiment

Arthur Weston was dozing in his armchair. The Times on his lap was unopened and ignored, and the fug of pipe- and cigar-smoke permeated his brain, making his thought sluggish and slow. This state of happy relaxation was short-lived, however, murdered by a commotion raised by a voice he recognised too well, calling out his name. The other members of the Bounders’ Club harrumphed and grunted; servants were not permitted on the premises – other than those employed to bring drinks, of course.

Weston roused himself and waved the newspaper like a finishing line flag. His man, Saunders, saw it at once and made a beeline for his employer.

“Oh, there you are, sir!” he cried as he bounded across the room, leaving a trail of exasperation in his wake. “I’m sorry to protrude, sir, but I think you had better come home, sir.” There was a note of urgency beneath the servant’s characteristic Cockney bonhomie.

“What is it, man?” Weston was reluctant to leave his comfortable seat near the fireplace.

“You’ve had a visitor, sir.” Saunders tapped the side of his nose. Weston was instantly galvanised. He dashed the newspaper to the floor and tossed the remains of his brandy down his throat. He strode purposefully from the Club without bothering to collect his hat and coat from the cloakroom.

The Kensington air was dense with a fog far less pleasant than the atmosphere in the Club, but Weston had no time for anything as trivial as breathing. He climbed into the Hackney Saunders hailed for him and spat out his address. The horse maintained a brisk and steady pace through the midnight streets but Weston wished it would break into a full gallop.

He sprang from the carriage and hurtled down the stairs to the basement of his town house while Saunders paid the cabbie.
The servant found his master in the laboratory, circling the figure Saunders had gagged and bound to a chair.
“I wouldn’t get too close, sir,” Saunders advised.
The captive was unconscious, Weston saw; a homeless tramp from the gutter, lured into the basement by a trail of sweetmeats and an unlocked door.
“…on account of the pong, sir,” Saunders added redundantly; his master was already holding a handkerchief to his nose.

“There is no time to lose!” Weston’s voice was muffled. “Hand me the serum.”

Saunders placed a hefty syringe in Weston’s hand then, gingerly and with a grimace, adjusted the tramp’s lolling head so that Weston could inject luminous green liquid into a vein in the fellow’s filthy neck.

They stood back and watched and waited.

Eventually, the indigent began to stir. His eyelids flickered and opened. He scanned the room and quickly apprised himself of his situation.

“I wasn’t going to steal nothing, guvnor,” he cried. “I just wanted some place warm for the night; honest I did.”

He recoiled as the two men peered at him.

“He don’t look no different,” said the one in servant’s livery.

“How do you feel?” asked the other, a gentleman by his togs and no mistake.

“Fit as a fish,” said the tramp. “You let me go and I won’t never come back; honest I won’t.”

The gentleman and his servant backed off a little and muttered to each other.

“Hard to tell, ain’t it, sir? I mean, he was a hairy bleeder to begin with.”

“Hmm…” Weston rubbed his chin. “Let’s try a banana.”

Saunders retrieved the fruit in question from a drawer and handed it to his employer. The tramp’s eyes widened as the gentleman approached him with what he took to be a bright yellow weapon.

“Here! What you gonna do with that thing?” The tramp tried to shrink from it. “Here – ack”

His voice caught in his throat. With an agonised cry, he thrashed about in the chair. His chest expanded and his arms elongated, snapping the ropes and bursting through his clothes. His lower jaw and forehead thickened and coarse, black hair sprouted all over his body.

With a screech he snatched the banana from Weston and knocked him to the floor with one swipe of a leathery paw. He smashed his way through the door and leapt up the stairs into the street and the foggy night beyond.

Saunders helped Weston to his feet. “You did it, sir! You reversed evolution! You made a monkey out of that man. You’re going to be rich, sir! And famous! Rich and famous! You’ll be as famous as whatsisname – Mr Darwin, sir.”

But Arthur Weston could not speak. His lips curled back and he made oo-ooh noises as he scratched his armpit.

He had fallen on the syringe.

banana-md

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